i'm not mad.

really? on top of all things, i'm just really hurt that you said that about me. i don't even have the will to be angry. so, whatever lah. poison whoever you want to poison; they can't have been much of my friends anyway if they were so easily 'convinced' by your complaints of me. just.. sigh. it's fine. i don't want to surround myself with negative energy. i can't afford it, this year. i'm sure you can't too. i'm not even sure what i exactly did to *you* in particular (since in my recollection i talked to you like, what, 5 times? in the whole of 2009)... but if you find it necessary to bad-mouth me to completely unrelated people like i've done you some personal wrong, then so be it. i'm not one to make the same mistake twice (ranting on blogs). hope you'll get over this "not liking me" thing soon. it makes it so awkward for everyone, when i'm just so willing to put the whole thing behind me. but okay. i'll respect your wishes and keep a distance. :) best of luck, hope your wishes go well.

*

with that out of the way, i think it's safe to say that if it were not for responsibilities, teachers and a number of friends that i can count on my hands,
i'd be well on my way to another school.

a school where they're not so superficial about who wears tudung or who speaks good english, where they're not so shallow that you can't be friends with someone because your looks aren't on par, where they don't say you can't fall in love with someone because you're not as cool as he is. i'm so sick of the stereotypes, the judging, the nastiness in general. i want to get through a day where i don't have to hear (and i don't end up saying) a bad thing about someone. four years in this school, and all i can think is- doesn't *anyone* like *anyone* here? best friends only wait until each other are out of earshot before they make humiliating jokes about their mistakes; criticizing how she sits with guys, her boob size, the way she laughs. what's the point of calling her your friend if you only treat her right when she's in the room? i mean, if that's the way you treat your friends... then i'm sort-of glad you crossed me out of the list.

at least, betapa sikit pun kawan i, i know that they'll actually stick up for me even when i'm not there. which is more than i can say for a lot of the students here.

the worst part is, in 9 cases out of 10, these people that get slammed so hard are really good. they're really good. all they are, apart from good, is 'different'. and some kids just don't like different. the kids on top don't like 'different'. maybe because they feel threatened? do you feel threatened?

do you feel the urge to make someone feel less cool than yourself, because you're afraid their self-esteem will wake up and then you won't be on top anymore?

who do you think you are, blair waldorf? life is life, not mtv. it's not gossip girl, or 90210, or bloody hell- it's not even High School Musical. it's just life. there's no black and white to it; no people assigned to play the role of villains or heroes, there's no knight in shining armors or queen bees or the cool gang. we're just people, mistakes are just mistakes, and all we do is try to conform, so more or less we all become the same. little cubes of similar personalities, defined by our facebook profiles and our blogs. where's the realness?

that's what i find enviable of form ones- they haven't turned into this plastic clone that makes up most of kl 'society'. they haven't yet been 'labelled' (jock, geek, loner), but once they have... they're gone. just like we are. stuck in our frames and preconceptions, and if you try to change you'll either be mocked or shot down. 'rebel', 'nerd', 'gangster'. aren't you just waiting to have it all disappear?





and oh no! i spoke my mind. sooner or later someone's going to call me mengada. a goody-goody. a lecturer. boring, a nerd, a geek, ugly, omg why is he with a bitch like that, dull, prissy, little miss perfect, whatever- you make it up, i've been called it before. aku dah tak hairan pun. as long as i have what makes me happy, you guys go ahead and enjoy "senior year". be cool, trendy, hip, rebellious. or whatever. lol. it's just high school. nobody's going to remember this in ten years' time. unless you're seriously jobless (and by that i mean both unemployed and in the possession of lots of free time).

x
it's been an eventful week. and what, it's only half-past january.